So. I’ve deleted you everywhere aswell and it feels good. Like I’m free again. I know you’re visiting my blog, but I don’t care. Don’t even know your new URL. It doesn’t hurt when I think about you. I’ve enough distraction. My life doesn’t seem so bad anymore. All the success I made before you, even with you are still there. It’s still getting better and I’m happy I can focus on that. 

I don’t want back to you. No.

Okay, right now it hurts a little. Or a little more. I went online on skype, where I never am, and you’re there. Grr. It leaded me to your blog and all your contact infos stands there. You never published them but now you did. And well, you changed your msn. You never wanted to talk to many people, but now you do. You deleted me. Fuck. I thought I was over that. Pretty much not. Or at least not for now. I think you changed a lot. And that hurts. Hurts, that you seem to be over. That you just take it easy. At least, it looks like this. I don’t understand. You were the one who said we’d be friends - and now you’re avoiding me even though I didn’t even speak to you. :/

I’m really surprised how easy I take this all. I wait, and wait, and wait for my break down, for the point where I miss you so much that I’ll crave for you, maybe even be so stupid to write you - but it doesn’t come. I mean that’s good of course, I don’t wanna be down or sad, it’s just different than I expected. I can think about you, go on your blog, read old messages - and nothing. Hopefully it stays like this.

You decided to delete me. Without reason, I mean we didn’t even speak. No idea what I should think of this. What I don’t like is that you do it without words.

I could say I still love you, because I do, but I decided to be not yours anymore.

I needed more time than you but I understood now. You were right, probably at least. When I think of us there’s.. nothing. It was nice I suppose. You taught me many things and I’m grateful. Though, now that I’m “out” I see the disadvantages aswell. You and me, we’re so different and even though I think we could complete each other, I can understand you don’t think so. Let’s see how it’ll continue. Right now we’re not speaking, today you deleted our last thing we had together and I’m good with it. I don’t even want to speak with you. For me there’s no friendship right now. Maybe we can build it up again someday but not now. I’m thankfull you don’t push me. 

It was a nice time though.

I’m pretty surprised. The pain isn’t back yet. I even read the messages you sent me when you broke up but no pain. Sure, not nice to read but it’s okay. I hope it’ll stay like this.

Everytime I’m really down or clean like right now, you’ll come and destroy it. So I’ll wait for your message then.

Right now, I’m over you. I know it’s just a moment and in a hour I probably will feel all the pain again but now, it’s okay. I can smile when I think of you. 

Right now I’m happy it was only one month. Because if this is who you are, then you’re right, we don’t fit. Because even though all the mistakes you said I’ve done are right, doesn’t give you the permission to give up. You don’t fight. And I want someone who fights. Because after all this, I although should mean something to you, but I don’t. You make it easy and say I’ve made all your love go away - but is it really that easy? 

I want a partner who will go down with me, just because s/he wants to save me, who wouldn’t scare to get hurt because s/he loves me and would fight for us. Because, I’d always do the same. This is relationship for me.

Right now, I can only be sad how it went. But it’s probably better like this. Because you’re perfect for me - sadly only your personality is, the rest not. Sorry.

I hate that you showed me how it could be when I was just accepting that I’ll never explore something like happiness. It just started to get better. Why did you had to ruin it?

My depression started when I was 12/13 years old. My mother already drunk for 3 years and somehow that pulled my ground away. I felt insecure and worthless because every time the alcohol was in her blood she just told me how crappy I am, what I made wrong, she always phoned with my aunt but hadn’t time for me. It wasn’t exactly nice. And I’d have coped much better if she wouldn’t be such a rock; like she never expresses her feelings, I’ve no idea what she thinks and to me it always seems like she doesn’t care. Today even more than then because after ten years, it’s still the same. Nothing changed.

I was always fat. Look at pictures when I was five years old, never was thin, honestly. It’s because my mother never gave me borders in anything and unfortunately I eat when I’m down. So, when I was 13 I was really fat. Something about 1,50m and 80kg. I wore these wide, manly clothes, had long hair which looked just stupid, no make-up and behaved repellent and aggressive. Of course everybody avoided me. I was so down when my friends left me, I couldn’t understand, today I do. It was my guilt. 

Point is, I was so scared to leave the house, to only go grocery shopping because of my weight. I developed fears, social awkwardness, panic attacks, eating attacks, insomnia, depression, cur myself. And today I can’t understand. Now I’m 1,67m and still weigh 92kg. You see I’m still fat, I really hate my body, of course. Even going upstairs seems like a sport and I’ve to breathe heavy. I hate this feeling. I hate that there’s just no clothes that fit me, everything looks ugly. Because I’ve no boobs but a big stomach. Yay.

Though, I can’t comprehend why I put myself so much down for this. Today, I still hate myself but I accepted, I’d never think someone wants to be with me, not even try to start to talk about se. I’m lonely - but used to it. I mean, I just see no reason to make something to make myself feel better. My girlfriend was one - I joined a sports center and tried to eat less but now she’s away. No. There’s again nothing - just like the years before. I just don’t think I’m worth it. Why putting effort in it?

(via eat-your-feels)

I’m tired. So damn tired.

And not only because I haven’t slept the last 5 days, I mean also in general. Since nine years it’s the same. Same atmosphere, same fights, same talks, same pain, same worthless feeling, same fear, same loneliness, same low self-esteem, same failure. Same. 

(via eat-your-feels)